Yes, we have an issue of feeling connected to other human beings. And what a lot of ways people try to accomplish that, and not all healthy. Joining a group is certainly one, whether it is a cult or a political cause or a golf club. Another is the love relationship. We all know the pressure brought to bear on that one.

As I try to analyze this, I'm thinking we should start with admitting the need. We are social animals. In a basic, evolutionary sense, we need each other - for survival, if not company. Craving an intimate relationship contributes to reproduction. Needing to belong keeps an individual from wandering off from the tribe where it would be dangerous. I think it's interesting to consider our modern feelings in the light of ancient impulses because our emotional make-up is thousands of years behind other aspects of our evolution. We see this in other areas of course, like aggression, defending territory, etc.

A major religion like Christianity promises intimacy of the most intense kind - a personal relationship with God through the symbol of a person, Jesus, which we can understand. On the tribal level, you get membership in the group which claims to be the tribe which will survive. On this primitive level, you can understand the proclivity for self-righteousness and vilification of Others. It gets pretty fierce. And it seems irrational unless one places it in this evolutionary context. Outsiders get confused about why, for example, Christians would claim to be all about love and yet condemn with such vehemence, to the point of all-out support for war.

A second thing I think we need to understand is the context of our lives in the structure of modern society. If you live in a non-indigenous, non-earth-based culture, you are in the middle of a fractured society. Many aspects contribute to alienation. Consider the way we live in separate living units without natural contact with our neighbors. People live in spaces walled off from others, often with extras for more privacy and separation - fences, yards, private entrances, hedges, blinds, even gates and guards. Apartment complexes are designed with outside entrances if possible. We do not have the Commons in our modern architecture or city planning - central space for natural interaction - like the market in a village or even the town square. We do a lot of driving in separate vehicles. Being on the freeway with hundreds of others does not create togetherness; it makes for road rage. Everybody has an individual agenda for where they have to go. Another development is the trend toward self-employment. With jobs less secure, more people work for themselves. And with technological advances, more people work from home, even if it is part of the time. So we have millions of Americans (and in other countries) whose basic lives - living space, transportation, work - are pretty isolating.

Now add the economic context of the U.S. in particular. We have a capitalistic system which is based on competition. The "success" of business depends not on cooperation but on beating out the competitor. While many are trying to create better options, this is still by far the norm, and it does not breed closeness with others. In our country, we also have few safety nets. There is no universal health care, we have millions in dire poverty, and you can see homeless people every day. The American ethos is to work very hard and look out for yourself and yours if you expect to survive. (It's interesting that mega-churches have expanded to include employment counseling and business referrals, in addition to the traditional safety net of the group).

So, an American today must have individual fortitude and emulate the self-made heroes of our cultural mythology. If you are beyond school age and you desire community, social support, or intimacy you must seek it out rather aggressively. And because we place such a premium on individual responsibility (eg. the poor are that way because they don't take initiative), it's easy to make loneliness into a personal fault.

I don't have any easy answers on the structural level - the problem is massive and we have an epidemic of depression in this country. Millions are medicated, either with prescriptions or not. The wealth and "life-style" of the U.S. comes at great cost.

I do have some ideas on the personal level - areas in which we do have more choice. More on this in my next post.